Ce-le-brate Good Times, C'mon!

Balaam's Ass received - unsolicited in the mail - the delightful gift pictured above just the other day, and she could not be more pleased to be reminded that there are still people - some sharp, savy, forward-thinking, entrepreneurial types in Christendom who are not ashamed to bring cost effectiveness, convenience, product ingenuity and "versatile" graphic design to the table - the Lord's Table, that is.

This here is sheer genius, and BASS only wishes that she could have somehow been influential in this gem coming to market. The "Celebration Cup" is sure to guarantee increased, and happy, participation at the table. The tactile sensation elicited by slowwwly peeling back the ornate cellophane, together with that sudden whiff of fresh-baked wafer, are nothing but pure enhancements to that feeling of neat, comfy satisfaction in a meal so well prepared and delivered. Utilize careful, selective rotation of your stock of "Celebration Cups" and shazam! a murky shot of grade B juice is transformed into a little crowd-pleasing shot of "vino di casa!"

What's more, this cup and this bread instantly connect with today's contemporary consumer Christian, while appropriately (yet gently) eschewing the pseudo-otherworldliness inherent in the somewhat stuffy table practices of certain archaic branches of "ancient Christendom."

And so BASS says, "Well done!" In an age when good mothers serve up hot, delicious bags of MacDonalds, when steamy bowls of Ramen noodles are nuked and scarfed down in minutes, and when six course meals can be guzzled from...a can, it only makes sense that heaven should be noted for its flexible, yet accomodating, table settings as well.

With the understandable success the "Celebration Cup" is sure to enjoy in today's fast paced world, BASS can hardly wait for its much anticipated, highly innovative complement which is undoubtedly just over the marketeer's horizon: "Baptismal-Font-in-a-Cup," complete with miniature space-aged de-hydrolator and gossamer baptismal gown - all in an ultra-convenient, PDA-sized cardboard box. Sign up now and be the first to baptize your next convert without getting so much as a drop of water on your new Armani or even having to leave your pulpit!

And of course, Visa and MasterCard are accepted...

Moses was Bi-polar? Sweeet...

Balaam's ass was stopped in her tracks by this clever church marquee, as we are sure most everyone else passing by was as well. The thought was arresting and sublime, and made one want to reconsider the whole Moses-in-a-basket story in a much more relevant, penetrating way.

BASS was simply stunned (and a bit sheepish) to have missed the obvious way that the Bible spoke with such clarity, incisiveness and poignancy to the deep therapeutic needs of 21st century men.

One can only imagine how many times baby Moses wanted to just toss his binky out of that stinking tar-baby basket and go belly down in the Egyptian reeds. Think of the stinging injustice he must have suffered by the abandonment of his family, made all the more maddening by the incessant undulation of the Nile...exactly where was his mother, anyway? Does his colicky bowel mean nothing to her?

And in spite of this hopelessly depressing predicament, Moses was no quitter...no siree, Tut. If he had to get out and wade to shore on his own, he wasn't giving up...so don't you give up either. Maybe "Pharaoh's daughter" will come and deliver you from being a basket case like baby Moses.

BASS is encouraged by this interpretation of the story of baby Moses - it breathes new life into an otherwise irrelevant and totally unbelievable story, and the double entendre is just dadgum catchy, in an Egyptian sort of way. It's simply beautiful how the relevancy of the Bible is not lost on us 21st century Christians, and this thoughtful message from the church proves it!

And I'm betting the God responsible for this whole Mosaic faux pas is breathing a little easier too, now that the marquee has spoken...

"Spiritual" Supplications

I THINK I have read somewhere (or maybe just now fabricated in the netherworld of my own imagination) that religious trends and sensibilities these days are not really religious as much as they are "spiritual." This is a fine distinction, and an important one, too. It's cool and acceptable to be spiritual, 'cause the analogue to spiritual in the po-mo, ub po-cu mind (that's hip code for "post-modern, ubiquitous pop culture") is non-corporeal, and non-corporealness is interesting, in a non-religious sort of way. I mean, who wouldn't want, for example, to have an out-of-body experience, especially since gasoline is almost 3 stinking bucks a gallon? And out-of-body travel is way eco-friendly, as the emissions are minimal, HOV lanes are passé and tire disposal ceases to be a problem, and that's what I'm talkin' about.

Everyone knows that corporeality accounts for only part of the story – there’s more to us than meets the eye. But religion, and religious terminology, is so dogmatic, so restrictive, so traditionally Western, so patriarchal…oops, that slipped out, my apologies to the goddess. I’d much rather be thought of as spiritual than as religious, wouldn’t you? Religious is yucky. Religious smells old and dead. Yuuuuck-y. Spiritual is neat. Spiritual smells like fresh-baked bread. Yuuuuumm-y.

Now it’s sad – and sadly not surprising – when bona fide Christians, and the churches they constitute, embrace this sort of embarrassed lexical retreat, even if it is done unwittingly (one could only hope). BASS (that stands for Balaam’s ASS – clever, huh?) has noticed this retreat in the way prayer is practiced by some under the big tent Christendom. Increasingly more Christians seem to practice prayer like Narcissus over Echo’s pond, unable to look away from his own reflection. Inordinate attention to oneself in prayer is a mistake of no small significance and is certain to yield ever diminishing returns from the bank of Heaven. It all to often eases the pray-er, however subtly, into the quagmire of subjectivity, and the aims of heaven may noiselessly fade to gossamer.

But all of this is just plain unnecessary, because He whose throne is heaven has already weighed in on this issue. He knows how much we love ourselves, how much we love to navel-gaze, how sharply we are drawn to Gnostic tendencies in the pursuit of “spirituality.” So mercifully, He has given us an antidote to the narcotic impulses of our bent gaze - written instructions from heaven itself.

TO KEEP EYES FIXED ON GOAL, READ THESE DIRECTIVES:

Matthew 5 & 6; Luke 11 & 18
Romans 1:10-12; 15:31
I Corinthians 1:4-13
II Corinthians 13:7
Ephesians 1:15-23; 3:14-21; 6:19-20
Philippians 1:4-11
Colossians 1:3-12; 4:3
I Thessalonians 3:10; 5:17-18
2 Thessalonians 1:11-12; 3:1-2
Philemon 1:6
Hebrews 13:18-19
James 5:13-16
I Peter 4:7
III John 1:2

That should do the trick, yessiree. Now there’s some donkey sense. Braaaaaay hah.

You whined...we listened

So OK...in the spirit of "the more Balaam's asses, the better," literally anyone can now post (at least) a comment, and you don't have to go set up your own blog (say it ain't so) in order to post a comment...that's right, Balaam's ass has officially joined the rarified ranks of the you-don't-need-a-blog-of-your-own-to-post-here zone...how good is that? braaaay-hha!

Out of the mouth of...an ass

So, Balaam's ass saw things more clearly than Balaam. Hmmmm...a more fitting parable could ne'er be wished for to describe modern, post-modern, pre-post-barbaric, neo post-pagan and generally-adrift Americana - especially evangelical Americana. One could wish the citizens of the celestial city were all Balaam's asses, fearing to cross paths with the Angel of YAHWEH, willing to crush the foot of those who, in their lack of God-fear, would ride the donkey for their own illicite ends. But then, how many citizens of Christendom even have the discernment of Balaam's ass?

When biblical wisdom is thrown to the ground (as so much of contempoary Christendom has done), the biblical God gets real hard to see, and not even the brute force of a whip can make Him visible (or a "contemporary, non-traditional worship celebration," for that matter). It's downright shameful when an ass knows the fear of the Lord better than a man, and a prophet to boot! Balaam was post-modern way before it was cool...

So here's to elephants that fly, and asses that speak the truth, even when it's not all that obvious...or popular. We could do with a few more asses like Balaam's, and a few less asses like Balaam.